To be or not to be........

Well today was a complete wash... I did not realize how tires I actually was until today! Isn't funny how certain things come up and it hits YOU... Almost like the AHHH HAAA affect.....

Seems I have a lot of decision to make in the future... I think it's all about finding YOURSELF.... You almost have to ask your self...... Is happiness something that is ever really achieved or do you live you life in "Pursuit of Happiness"!

As I am sure we all have our own opnions on that matter.... So... Let's move on.....

I am really looking forward to this weekend, I need a break from life, family, responsibility.... I almost need a date with disaster.... But on a more simple note.... I will just have a date with my awesome king size bed!

Throughout the day I have so many things I feel I need to write about but when I actually make time to do it.... Nothing comes out!

I am actually watching "Sex in The City, wondering why I NEVER moved to New York.... Just teasing....

Okay, so which Sex in The City character do you think I am? Okay now I am just being stupid....

TGIF!!!!! Friday, I heart you!

I will write tommorrow.....

Night

"Facade"

Well... Itt's been awhile since I wrote last. All sorts of new things going on. We now have 2 furr babies Asia (Orange tabby) and America (Sphynx). So glad I got them both, in a weird sort of way it almost seems as if they save me! I know weird! I have a new kiddo at the house name Rayden (16mths) never a dull moment at my house.

It amazes me at how well I unitentionally or intentionally put the "facade" on! This fake I'm okay! I just want to scream sometimes..... Everyone says I'm strong but.... am I? It is times like this when I lay and bed beside my husband who is sound asleep and I try to fight back the tears. But I can't, HELL I'm human!! I get so pissed at my self for even showing weakness but who am I kidding I am WEAK, I'm mortified.... and people think that I am handling it well.... It's an illusion that we are all capable of. I let YOU see what I want you to see.....

Honestly, right now tears keep flowing and I can't see what I am typing. Sniffing quietly (or trying to) so my husband doesn't know. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs!!!! I don't understand, why us?, why ME, AGAIN..... So desperate for answers and so determined to hide. Hide myself away from people, places, and things that remotely has a vague remberence that I was just pregnant.

OMG! I just miss them inside me... I want to kiss them, hold them... Touch them, read to them, get on to them for making messes or leaving thier toys all over the house!~ The things I think about in the still of the night, completely and utterly alone.

I really do not think it ever gets easier... But I did make a promise I will try....

ONE DAY AT A TIME...........

Don't let them say, I wasn't born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone.
This world was worthy, not, of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes"
But that won't soften your worst blow..
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
another child you'll bear.
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.

Although, I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes..
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An Angel Never Dies........

Just Perfect!!

Today started out as a pretty crappy day for me! I had coffee with my mother (as I do every morning) and I normally leave from her house ready to get knee deep into something (I.E. cleaning, mowing, organizing,) whatever! However, today was so different. I had absolutely no energy nor the **ump** to do anything. I did ton's of laundry today, put togther a puzzle (that my friend Regina brought me) and some other small things.

Wow, I just do not feel like blogging tonight. Seems as if I have nothing to say! More over, we got our pictures of our precious baby girls today. They were perfect so very beautiful. GEEZ, We love them so much!!! Kai definately had her daddy's scowl... She looked so pissed! (At least it made me smile) Ahhhhhh... Okay not really in a position to speak about this yet... In time it will come... Sorry ;-(


Yankee Candle Fundraiser

Well.... I am excited to announce that we received our packets for our fundraiser. With in 4-5 minutes I had already sold $100.00 worth of product, which actually adds $50.00 to our "baby fund"! I know it doesnt seem like a lot but it will come along I HOPE!

Our goal for the candle selling is $4000.00 but unless I get more troops or volunteers I don't see us making it. With the garage sales and the candle sales you would think that you could possible earn enough.... Well wishful thinking.....

If anyone has any family, friends, or co workers that would volunteer, donate, sell, or anything please let us know. Join our cause! I was thinking today that after this is all over and we get back from Czech I would like to start a not for profit organization for other families in our situation that cannot just go and take out $7000.00 to have a baby!

Let me know your thoughts on that but, kthat's all for tonight...

Thanks for following

An Evening to gain perspective!

Well, this evening I got to speak wiht my aunt Phyllis, She is so strong! She has survived brain cancer and another type of cancer I forgot which one. She was giving me something to cling to..... She said that we could do anything we set OUR minds too! Although my husband and I are definately grieving differently I have HOPE that soon we will get on the same page.... It's just such a hard situation. Say prayers are still in order.

I had gone tonight to the gym with my friend Angie (I had not done anything like this in a very long time) I am always home or school taking care of things. Marcelino is still in bed (which I understand) and I have ensured him that I will be here when he is ready to talk. We shall see how this turns out!

I walked on the treadmill for awhile with Ang and then set in the Sauna (love the saunsa).. Ang, accidently lost the locker key under the sauna floor so it was hell and despair to try to find it~! Without it we were going no where. Car keys and everything was in the locker. LOL!

Got home and took a shower and now I am in bed blogging. Right now I am feeling really alone and uneasy. I guess it will just take time. It seems that TIME is all I have lately! I just hope that we have PEACE at some point in OUR house. We have been through so much already.

Well, I am calling it a night I think.......

Good Night!

The happiest and saddest day of our lives...... March 22, 2011

Well.... Not really sure if I am ready to go into complete detail yet. Yesterday March, 22, 2011 at 9:57 a.m. Our little precious babies came into this earth sleeping. I held Kai and how beautiful she was. Just feeling her skin and her hair.... Her scent, I was in awe.... Although my precious babies were  born sleeping, they still could not had been any more perfect that what they were. Not really sure if everything will even come off my finger tips right but I am trying. I do not feel comfortable going into much detail quite yet but I will come along.

March 23, 2011

Well... Today was.... Ummm... Another day I guess. My mother had asked me last week to take her to the doctor today. After everything that had happened she told me that she would ask my sister but me not wanting to be home ( I insisted). We arrived back home around eleven and I started filling my day with things to do. I am the type of person that has to have something to do. Marcelino on the other hand is dealing with things a little differently than I. He had to go to work today and as anyone could imagine he had a bad day.

I started right after getting back from taking mom and mowed my yard, washed my car, did laundry, cleaned the house.... Anything I could do to keep my mind in check. Still really not able to speak with my husband it's still a very hard subject to speak about.

However, we have found an IVF vacation in Czech Republic (where we are planning on attending) in September for 21 days. The cost there is so much more cost effective than in the US and if anything a vacation is much over due!

My friend Angie has joined with my family to do many fundraisers in hope's to send us in September. The goal is $8000.00 and so far we have $140.00.  I know we are way off but I have HOPE that we will make it. My mind is telling me that WE NEED THIS, we have to have a HAPPY ENDING!

Their have been many days that I did not even want to face another day but I do it for my husband and my family! If I lay down now I fear I will not get up. I will not make it. I ask myself often, "Layce, will you give up? Layce you can't give up! It's not over!".....

Well that's enough for now, I am sure I will have somehting else to say before the evening is over.

Talk to ya soon!