"Facade"

Well... Itt's been awhile since I wrote last. All sorts of new things going on. We now have 2 furr babies Asia (Orange tabby) and America (Sphynx). So glad I got them both, in a weird sort of way it almost seems as if they save me! I know weird! I have a new kiddo at the house name Rayden (16mths) never a dull moment at my house.

It amazes me at how well I unitentionally or intentionally put the "facade" on! This fake I'm okay! I just want to scream sometimes..... Everyone says I'm strong but.... am I? It is times like this when I lay and bed beside my husband who is sound asleep and I try to fight back the tears. But I can't, HELL I'm human!! I get so pissed at my self for even showing weakness but who am I kidding I am WEAK, I'm mortified.... and people think that I am handling it well.... It's an illusion that we are all capable of. I let YOU see what I want you to see.....

Honestly, right now tears keep flowing and I can't see what I am typing. Sniffing quietly (or trying to) so my husband doesn't know. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs!!!! I don't understand, why us?, why ME, AGAIN..... So desperate for answers and so determined to hide. Hide myself away from people, places, and things that remotely has a vague remberence that I was just pregnant.

OMG! I just miss them inside me... I want to kiss them, hold them... Touch them, read to them, get on to them for making messes or leaving thier toys all over the house!~ The things I think about in the still of the night, completely and utterly alone.

I really do not think it ever gets easier... But I did make a promise I will try....

ONE DAY AT A TIME...........

Don't let them say, I wasn't born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone.
This world was worthy, not, of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes"
But that won't soften your worst blow..
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
another child you'll bear.
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.

Although, I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes..
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An Angel Never Dies........